? A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

? Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

? I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

?If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

? Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

? What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...

?I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

? It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

? I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

? Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.

? You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

? I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

? My Reality Check bounced.

? Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

? Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

? Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!

?Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

?Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

?There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

?Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back

?As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing

?Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

?What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.

?What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant

?Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

?A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

?Why don't men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don't have any. 1

?What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home.

?What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

?A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

?Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering

?How Dogs and Women are alike.....
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing.

?Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

?If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?

?Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

?If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?

?Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.

?I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

?I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.

?Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.

?A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" - so he gave her one!

?Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

?A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

?A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

?A dyslexic man walks into a bra

?A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

?A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

?Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

?I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

?Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

?News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv.. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

?God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

?The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

?CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

?Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

?This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

?Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

?I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

?ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

?Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

?Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

?Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

?Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

?I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

?There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

?What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

?What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

?I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

?A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

?Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

?What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

?Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

?Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

?What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

?The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

?Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

?WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

?What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

?Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

?What do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities!

?Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

?What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!

?What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One fucked the miners, the other fucked the Majors

?Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

?Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

?Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

?I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

?What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German?
A man who's too drunk to follow orders.

?I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

?How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

?For sale : Air Bags, Used once.

?What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

?What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

?Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

?What's pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

?What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

?How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

?Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don't know. Never happens.
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?Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.

?Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An fucking know it all.

?A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

?Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

?Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

?I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

?If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

?Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

?What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...

?Q: How did the Pollack burn his face?

A: Bobbing for french fries.

?Q: What's difference between Yogurt and Australia?

A: One has a real live culture.

?Q: What's diff between Michael Jackson and grocery bag?
A: Ones white, made outta plastic and dangerous for kids to play with. The other you carry groceries in.

?Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny the way you keep saying 'Who's there? Every time I knock.

?Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
A midget who cant reach the doorbell.

?Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!

?Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry, Butch, and Jimmy.
Harry, Butch and Jimmy who?
Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss.

?Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive across the road.

?Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mummy.
Mummy who?
Mummeasles are better so can I come in?

?Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.

?Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam key broke in the lock.

?Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I called by?

?Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.

?Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mister.
Mister who?
Mister last bus home.

?Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.

?Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
York.
York who?
York coming over to my place tonight?

?Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel broken? I had to knock.

?Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's cold out here.

?Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Aunt.
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad Grandma's gone?

?Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked - that's why I knocked.

?friendship is like peeing in your pants. every1 can c it but only u can feel its true warmth.thank u 4 being the pee in my pants xxxx

?(_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse (_zzz_)Tired arse (_E=mc2_)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my arse!!

?He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!

?Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.Soon it will be cool to have a small penis too.then you my friend will be THE MAN!!

?Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look hard!

?T-MOBILE regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down on everyone except u.We regret 2 inform u that no one would go down on u.not even a network

?I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery day

Clinton Jokes
>>>तपाई वेभ साइट वनाउने विचारमा हुनुहून्छ या होस्टिङ्ग गर्ने विचारमा हुनुहुन्छ भने सस्तो राम्रो भरपर्दो वेभ होस्टिङ् नेपाल >>> Phone: 9851001068
Q : What was yesterday's Washington Post Headline?
A : Bush Beats Clinton

?Q : Why was Monica Lewinsky transferred from the White House to the Pentagon?
A : She was traded for two brunettes and a redhead to be named later.

?"One thing's for sure about Clinton...
He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!"

?Q : Why does Clinton wish he was like Ted Kennedy?
A : Cause Kennedy has an ex-wife and a dead girlfriend

?Q : How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A : He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride

?Q : What did Clinton say to Gore about the whole affair?
A : Pardon me

?News item: Mike McCurry, the President s Press Secretary, has just resigned. He could no longer keep a straight face

>>>तपाई वेभ साइट वनाउने विचारमा हुनुहून्छ या होस्टिङ्ग गर्ने विचारमा हुनुहुन्छ भने सस्तो राम्रो भरपर्दो वेभ होस्टिङ् नेपाल >>> Phone: 9851001068
Cool Jokes
MATCHES

MuM: Have you brought the matches home? Son: Yes! Mum: Are they working??? Son: Yes! I have try up all the fire macthes... It's working.

?KNOWING YOURSELF

Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

? WHO YOU TRUST

There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

?GRATEFUL

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

? WASTING YOUR TIME

Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

?THE WORLD

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world

?FIRST SIGHT

FiRsT NiTe, FiRsT SiGhT, I SaW, I KnEw, LoVe's SwEEtEr ThAn MoUnTaiN DeW, A pRoMiSe I mAdE and' WiLL kEEp, 2 LoVe YOU aLwAys~

? VALUE OF LOVE

LovE is Not HoW LonG U've BeeN 2gEthEr; nOt HoW MucH U've GIvEn oR RecEivE; Not hOw MaNy TimEs U've HeLpEd EaCh OthEr --- Its HoW U VALUE EaCh OtHEr...

? STILL LOVING U

i håtê Smî|îÑg jûSt tO prEtêñD î'M ñOt hUrt. î hÅtE to gîGglê tO Show î'll ßê okåY. î hAtE tO laUgh aFtEr î Cry. í Stìll lovE YOU ßût í'Vé tó SaY gooDbYê...

? NEWSPAPER

Some newspapers publish untrue news, but there is one thing that is true. What is it? >>> Date <<<

? NEVER REGRET WHAT YOU DO

Don't regret what you've did, but regret what you never did, go and say 'I LOVE U' to your loved one!

? YOUR FUTURE

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't get on well in life until you let go of past failures and heartaches.

? UNTIL IT'S GONE

It's true that we don't know what we've got until it's gone, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

? NEEDS

Every girl wants one guy to meet all her needs, while every guy wants all the girls to meet his one need.

? HUGGING YOU

Last night I hugged my pillow and dreamt of you... I wish that someday I'd dream about my pillow and I'd be hugging you.

? CHARACTER VS REPUTAION
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Be MorE Concerned AbouT YouR CharacteR ThaN YouR ReputationN BecausE YouR CharacteR Is WhO YoU ArE AnD YoU ReputaioN Is WhaT OtherS ThinK Of YoU!!!

? 1 HEARTBEAT

When I look at you, my heart skips 1 beat but later that beat could mean a lifetime of tears wasted on some thing i knew i could never have!

? GIRLS ARE LIKE...

Girls are like phones, we like to be held and talked too, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

? LOVE IS SO CONFUSING

Love makes life so confusing but without love would you want to live?

? IT'S OVER

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happend.

? IDIOT

It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

? REALITY

Love Is When You Don't Want To Go To Sleep, Because Reality Is Better Than A Dream.

? FORGET ME NOT

Under the sea, there lays a rock. In the rock, there is an envelope. In the envelope, there is a paper. On the paper, there are 3 words... 'Forget me not'

? LIVE YOUR LIFE

When u were born, u were crying and everyone round u was smiling.. Live ur life so that when u die, u're the one who is smiling and everyone round u is crying..

? MAKE THE BEST OF IT

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everyting... they just make the most of everything that comes along their way...

? LIFETIME GUARANTEE

I got nothing else 2 offer, so 2 U, it's luv I going 2 send. It's nothing tat I borrowed, it's nothing I’d lend. This luv I’m sending has a Lifetime Guarantee!

? COMPUTER

A good friend is like a computer; me 'enter' ur life, 'save' u in my heart, 'format' ur problems, 'shift' u 2 opportunities & never 'delete' u from my memory!

? TEARS

Don't cry for someone who don't worth while; the one who is worth, wouldn't make one cries..

? SEAT BELT

A Short thing, It gets Longer when U hold it, N pass between women Breasts, N enters into A hole What is it? 1 min 2 think! Car Seat Belt, U dirty mind.

? DESSERTS

When you are feeling stressed and about to breakdown, just remember: STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backwards.. it's a piece of cake!

? MEMORIES

Memories is treasured, no one can steal. Parting is heartache, no one can heal. Some'll forget you when you are gone, but I'll remember you no matter how long.

? DON'T BE SAD

If someone comes into your life and becomes part of you, but for some reason he/she could not stay, don't be too sad... be glad that your paths have crossed.

? SHINING STAR

You're like a shining star in the cold dark nite, you lead me, you guide me, you makes everything seems so rite...

? SHE..

She BlinDeD mE wiTh hEr LigHT, it'S SucH A beaUtiFuL SigHt... The WaY She MoVes Is LiKe An AngEl... ShE gOt Me WaLkiNg On Air.

? I FELL FOR YOU

Excuse me, do u have a Band-Aid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you

? RUNNING

aRe Ur LeGs TiReD? CoZ yoU'Ve BeEn RuNNiNg ThRoUgH My MiNd aLL DaY LoNg!

? 911

Why can't a blonde dial 911? Because She can't find the eleven!!!

? FRIENDS ALWAYS

In this WORLD, where everything seems UNCERTAIN, only one thing is DEFINITE. You'll always be my FRIEND, beyond WORDS, beyond TIME & beyond DISTANCE!

? WHY IS HE NOT MINE...

wOrLd iS cRueL, LoVe iS bLinD. LoSt iN sAdnEsS, BluR In miND. HeArT iS bRoKeN, fLaMe hAd DiEd. TiMe HaS pAsSeD bUt wHy iS hE... sTiLL nOt mInE...

? DON'T WANT TO LOST YOU

If yöü cän bé ävöìdéd sìmply by clösìng r éyés, I wöüldn't blìnk ät äll for I dönt wänt to lét ä sécönd päss hävìng löst ä höñey lìké YÖü!

? CAN'T LET U GO

Höld ä trüé frìénd wìth böth yöür händs, doñt lét gö 4 trüé frìend cömés öncé ìn ä lìfétìmé. Thåt's why ì'm höldìng yoü tight! Cänt lét Ü go

? NOT TOO YOUNG

No one is too young for love, because love doesn't come from your mind, which knows your age, but from your heart, which knows no age.

? ANGEL FRIENDS

I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends.

? I FOUND U

Love is like a cloud... love is like a dream... love is 1 word and everything in between... love is a fairytale come true... Coz I found love when I found U.

? NEVER END

If I had a single flower for every time I thought of you I could walk in my garden forever, never finding the end.

? IT HURTS

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what hurts more is to love someone, and never find the courage to let them know how you feel.

? SMILE

You do not know the effect you have on me because every time I see you my heart begins to smile.

? FORGET YOU

It takes a minute to have a crush, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

? IT NEVER SEEMS TO LAST

I'm scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast, because every time I fall in love... it never seems to last.

? MY HEART BREAKS

I could fill a 1000 pages telling U how I feel, and still U would not understand.. So now I leave w/o a sound, except my heart shattering as it hits the ground.

? A MILLION

A million words would not bring you back, I know, because I've tried. Neither would a million tears. I know, because I've cried.

? SWEETEST THING

Once Upon a Time, Something happened to me. It was the sweetest thing that ever could be. It was a fantasy, a dream come true it was the day I met you.

? FALL IN LOVE

People say you only fall in love once, but when I hear your voice I fall in love all over again.

? CRYING FOR

I cry 4 the times U were almost mine. I cry 4 the memories I've left behind. I cry 4 the pain, the lost, the old, the new. I cry 4 the times I thought I had U.

? CRAZY FOR YOU

I'm crazy for you. Touch me once and you'll know it's true, I never wanted anyone like this, it's all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss, I'm crazy for you.

? NOT TO FADE

Looking back on all these years, all the smiles and all the tears, I never want these memories to fade.

? YOU ARE THE ONE

You asked me who I liked and I said no one... but what I really meant was no one but you.

? SLEEP FOREVER

If the only possible way we can be together is in my dreams, then I'll sleep forever.

? LOVE IS TO THINK

Love is to think about someone else more times in a day than you think about yourself.

? IN LOVE WITH YOU

There are times when I fall in love with someone new, but I always seem to find myself back in love with you.

? SOMEONE ELSE

The hardest thing you'll ever do is watch the one u love, love someone else.

? MASTERPIECE

God created men first, coz you always make a rough draft before a masterpiece.

? OUT OF MY CONTROL

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control.

? MEMORY LASTS FOREVER

A memory lasts forever, and never does it die. True friends stay together and never say good bye.

? HEART TO CIRCLE

Always draw a circle around the ones you love, never draw a heart because hearts can be broken, but circles are never ending.

>>>तपाई वेभ साइट वनाउने विचारमा हुनुहून्छ या होस्टिङ्ग गर्ने विचारमा हुनुहुन्छ भने सस्तो राम्रो भरपर्दो वेभ होस्टिङ् नेपाल >>> Phone: 9851001068